i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
