She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
