Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
