my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
