Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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