Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
