Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
