The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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