Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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