The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
