He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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