I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize