There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
