Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
