i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
