In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Ketchup is God's man juice
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
