How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
