and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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