Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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