This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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