I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize