Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
