a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
