Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
