You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
