I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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