my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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