that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
