If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
