Apparently you make a good broom.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
