Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize