Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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