but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
