could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
