just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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