you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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