dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
