I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
