we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
