OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
