Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
