Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
