I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
