never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
