So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
