This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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