Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
