Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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