i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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