You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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