My hair reeks of homosexuality.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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