I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
