Well apparently he's into motor boating.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
