I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
