I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize