please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
