3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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