Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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